I Still Firmly Believe I’m Not Qualified to be a Mom

Still following the saga of the Charmed Farm Mom fighting the insurance companies? Let me catch you up.
• Still fighting for a back up ventilator.
• Realized we need a back up feed pump and suction machine, too, that we don’t have. Need to start fighting for that.
• Supply company never notified me insurance will only cover 4 Farrell bags per month – bags that are supposed to be changed every day that relieve gastric pressure. I have a letter of medical necessity from months ago that we need them (and our surgeon says we need them). Not sure why insurance won’t cover them all of a sudden, after shipping a month’s supply previously, or why no one notified me. Guess I need to fight about that, too.

I’m really not a fighter. I’m a lover, not a fighter. But when my husband and I, and our friends and family, work each week and pay into a system that’s supposed to help people in situations like ours, and companies that I’ve had the displeasure of working with through our experience are complete and utter jerks, it’s really hard to keep my composure. Do NOT mess with my kid and her health!

I need to tell you, though, that I have felt since before conceiving this piece of cuteness kicking on the floor here beside me that I did not feel like I was qualified to have a child. And I still don’t. We need licenses to operate vehicles that drive 100 miles per hour or more, but don’t need a license to bring a child into the world?

I digress.

I mean, I cannot get myself together. I have calendars and to do lists and reminders in my phone and I’m still not in time and forget appointments. I can’t even begin to tell you how many chiropractor visits I’ve missed, and i absolutely need them! And really, this has been for YEARS, like before I had an excuse (valid or not!).

I hear a lot these days, “I don’t know how you do it.” Let me be the first to tell you I’m NOT doing IT, whatever IT is. You know what I am doing? Walking around here, playing with Callie, and praying like hell that I’m doing right by her and not screwing anything additional up along the way. So if by IT you mean skating by on the skin of your teeth, then I guess, heck yes! You bet I’m doing IT!

Don’t get me wrong. I think all mom’s have self-doubt and probably guilt. Am I doing the right things, whatever those things are? Am I raising my kid? I don’t care who is judging the crap out of me right now, but is this kid going to be ok – special needs or not? I don’t think that ever goes away. And I don’t think it ever gets less. Bigger the kids the bigger the problems, right? But gosh, for my sanity’s sake, I hope the overactive self-doubt drive I’ve got going on dies down soon.

I’m not asking for help. I’m not telling you all of this for pity, or anything. I don’t need counseling, or help, or a pep talk (I get those from Kid President!). I’m sharing this because I’m a mom. A normal, every day mom with normal, every day problems and work and life, that happens to have an adorable baby that has required 6 ER visits since she came home 3.5 months ago. I’m a mom and I want other moms to know it’s OK. You’re not alone. And we’ll vent, we’ll get over it, and we’ll move on to the next obstacle, no matter how big or small. And hopefully there will be a lot of smiles and love in between.

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And I’m pretty sure the poor girl that answers the phone at our supply company when I call prays for that, too. Her ear, and eyes from emails, probably can’t take much more.

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